Wardrobe Malfunctions

We all know the feeling of being trapped by our wardrobes – having a closet full of clothes but nothing to wear. But I had a worse problem the other day. I got stuck in a tight dress with no zipper.

It goes without saying – it sucks being stuck in a dress. It goes something like this: You try the dress on. You admire yourself in the mirror. You lift up your arms and try to peel the dress off over your head. It gets stuck halfway through, with your arms up over your head. Panic sets in as you realize the dress is not budging and that you are exposed and stuffed like a sausage.

In light of my recent mishap, I’m going to take a quick break from fashion to discuss function. Why would anyone choose to construct garments without the proper accoutrements? I’m not talking about stylistic choices. For example, stilettos and destroyed jeans aren’t practical, but they can be really cute. What I’m talking about are clothes that are lacking function with no added benefit.

Here’s my Top 5 List of otherwise-nice clothing and accessories spoiled by poor design.

  1. Tight dresses with no zipper. Fortunately or unfortunately, I’m not the only one who’s gotten stuck in a dress! Blogger London Southern Belle got stuck once too. So did blogger Sarah McBride. (Check out her hilarious photo.)

  2. Button-fly pants. Buttons aren’t a deal-breaker, but they are annoying and time-consuming. Why make us go through all the effort?

  3. Pull-on boots. I’ve passed up so many great pairs of boots because they’re pull-on style! More power to you if you can suck it up and get them on and off anyway. But personally – don’t judge – I got stuck in them once too.

  4. Short-sleeve turtleneck sweaters. Why make a garment with such an obvious functional flaw? If you need to wear a turtleneck sweater, it’s too cold out to wear short sleeves. And the sleeves make them too chunky to wear under suits or blazers. It’s a lose-lose.

  5. Itty bitty jewelry clasps. Unless you’re particularly dexterous, opening and closing regular-sized spring-ring clasps can be tricky anyway. No need to make them so small! No one appreciates a teeny clasp except perhaps a surgeon or a craftsperson or maybe an elph.

A word of caution – you may stress about fitting into your favorite dress, but getting it on is only half the battle.